myaurora

Saturday, March 04, 2006 { 5:24 PM }

another lonely n "nothing to do" day.........hav to wait till next week b4 going to work....actually wanted to ask ke wei out but den v lazy lehz........i tink tmr ba.....

n my NIE application......sad to say i tink mos likely it is a gone case situation.....coz TILL NOW i have not receive the letter to ask me go interview....last year a few days after submitting the application, i received a letter like three or four days lata to ask me go interview......n right now it has been two or three weeks after submitting the application n still no news.........i call MOE yesterday n dey ask me wait......cannot be de ma......n den i read one of the online forums n pple already was saying dat dey hav gone thru the interview liao and stuff like dat..........

arghz....i calculated, the day of the interview was abt 12 days from the date when i receive the interview letter.....n last year when i apply for it it is also during O level release....den the interview date was on the release of JAE posting result.....n right now dey haven even ask me go interview......something muz be seriously wrong....i hav imagined three scenario:

first: dey didnt even receive my application thru online (honestly saying i hated online stuff coz i tink computer can go bonkers n technical errors can occur)........

second: dey accepted me immediately into NIE (i last year attended the interview le) and dey r juz waiting to issue me the letter of acceptance........

third: dey juz kick me out (get it right, even dey kick me out dey also will send a letter saying i m unsuccessful in applying)

god.....anyone can tell me which scenario has a higher probability of "kena-ing"?......sometimes i reallie hated myself for getting into such a mess.......y?...am i reallie so incapable of passing my j1 promos n get on to j2 n cheong straight to A level?.....i wonder if fate is toying me n making me suffer or if fate is juz putting me thru a route which i can lead comfortably in the future?.....i reallie dunnoe........though no point looking back n one shld look forward in life (which i hav), but in my heart still lingers this little little bit of sadness n regrets.......i tink onli time can heal dat.........

last night i argued with my mum regarding this......she tinks i shld all the more i shld pursue a career with NIE and work on my strength(dat is chinese)....y she doesnt say this last year huh? y?....y last year she muz "force" me to stay in JC system, when i knew n could predict i wasnt the kind of student for JC.... n she listen so much abt wad others tok bad abt the NIE course? y? y? y?.....she say i could "try" the JC first, n yet i dunnoe y i actually stupidly agree n followed her words?......last year in the first place when i applied fer NIE she was the one who agreed dat i shld go dere coz JC is v stressing n demanding, n yet when i succeeded in applying fer NIE den she also say i shldnt go dere........

i m a bit angry yet grateful to my mum.....yesh, all parents wans best fer their child n of cuz, i dun deny dat JC is a better way n hav a so called "better future", but my dear mum, i understand myself more.....reallie....though i noe last year eventually even if i chose NIE, u also wont blame me or wad......but den even when i chose to remain in pj, i worked towards a belief dat i could cheong to j2 n do my A levels well..........but i didnt do it, u felt disappointed, n yet u didnt blame me......if u were other pple's mum u would hav rant n scream n scolded me like crazy.........u didnt do these, n instead u encouraged me to be strong to face the challenges ahead n get on with life.......i m reallie happy to hav u as my mum...... =)........

now dat u said it is up to me to choose, though i noe u wanted me badly to go NIE, however, my dear mummy, i would reallie wan to choose wad i wan....u always say my instinct is always the reverse of wad happens, but trust me, for such a big matter like deciding my future, my instinct is always right.....yup.....

i hav always put on a smile when toking abt my future but deep inside my heart, i m reallie tired, i reallie wan to juz settle down n dont nid to bother abt where i shld go anymore......mummy, i noe all along from january u hav been by my side but if u ever read this, i juz wanna let u noe dat i reallie reallie wan to settle down quick n juz freaking forget abt NIE or poly.......

i dedicate the above posts to my mum (if she ever reads this).............

i will be strong n get past this stage of life smoothly................................